What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze .You’re under a vest.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor’s office?
He was feeling crummy.
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing .They fast.
Why do bowling pins have such a hard life?
They’re always getting knocked down.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Where were pencils invented?
PENCIL-vania.
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can’t break the ice.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A BUCK-aneer.
Why can’t you trust zookeepers?
They love cheetahs.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Where do cows go for entertainment?
Moo-vies.
Why couldn’t the duck pay for dinner?
Her bill was too big.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.
What did Jack say to Jill after they rolled down the hill?
I think I spilled the water.
Why are ghosts such bar liars?
You can see right through them.
What animal dresses up and howls?
A wearwolf.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What did the mother elephant say to her kids when they weren’t behaving?
Tusk, tusk.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has-bean.
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
Where do hamburgers go dancing?
A meatball.
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
How do elves learn how to spell?
They study the elf-abet.
Why were bikes suspended from school?
They spoke too much.
What kind of music do balloons hate?
Pop.
What time is it when a ball goes through the window?
Time to get a new window.
Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
If you take your watch to be fixed, make sure you don’t pay up front.
Wait until the time is right.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look .I’m about to change.
What did one DNA strand ask the other DNA strand?
Do these genes look okay?
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
She’ll Let It Go.
Don’t leave any food around your computer.
It takes a lot of bytes.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
The chicken didn’t exist yet.
What’s a king’s favorite kind of weather?
Reign.
What did the broccoli say to the celery?
Quit stalking me.
Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
What happened with the kidnapping in the park?
They woke him up.
Why can’t the music teacher start his car?
His keys are on the piano.
What did Aquaman say to his kids when they wouldn’t eat their food?
Water you waiting for?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.
What do cows read?
CATTLE-logs.
Why are spiders great web developers?
They like finding bugs.
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk!
Why kind of bug is in the FBI?
A SPY-der.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump!
I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.
At least, I think it was five minutes…
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
What do you call a cow that can’t moo?
A milk dud.
What did one hat say to the other?
Stay here, I’m going on ahead.
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth.
Why was the broom late?
It over-swept.
What room doesn’t have doors?
A mushroom.
How do modern day pirates keep in touch?
SEA-mail.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.
Where does Superman’s wife drive?
Lois’ lane.
Klaus Vedfelt/Getty
Where do horses live?
In neighhh-borhoods.
What do you get when you put cheese next to some ducks?
Cheese and quakers.
What do you call a tired pea?
Sleep-pea.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Why was SpongeBob always praying?
He’s so hole-y.
Why do computers never fall asleep?
They’re too wired.
Why did the Scottish man have plumbing issues?
He only had bagpipes.
Why did the florist give so many kisses?
She had two-lips.
What happens in a cave in the rainforest?
Amazon Echo.
Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed some space.
What did the buffalo say when his son left?
Bison!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
… but then I turned myself around.
Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
How do you throw a space party?
You planet.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What’s scarier than a monster?
A momster.
Why did the garden feel overcrowded?
There wasn’t mushroom.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What did one block say to the other when he was ready to leave the party?
Lego.
Why did the little lamb go everywhere Mary went?
He wanted to mark his territory.
What did the guitar say to the lead singer of the band?
Stop stringing me along.
What do you call a student who doesn’t like math class?
Calcu-hater.
What do piggies use when they have an infection?
Antibiotic oinkment.
Why is a flock of geese like Wikipedia?
They’re flying in-formation.
Why is it okay if you forget how to make a boomerang on Instagram?
It will come back to you.
What’s Superman’s favorite drink?
PUNCH.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What did one elevator yell to the other?
I’m falling!
Which hand is better to paint with?
Neither! A paint brush is better.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Why does the moon say she doesn’t want to eat?
She’s full.
What goes up but doesn’t come back down?
Your age.
Where do fish keep their money?
In the riverbank.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What always comes at the beginning of a parade?
The letter P.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Why don’t we eat clowns at Hanukkah?
Because they taste funny.
Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?
Santa Paws.
Why the cookie sad?
Because him mom a wafer so long.
How does a cucumber becomes a pickle?
It goes through jarring experience
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!
What did the egg say to another egg?
Have an eggselent day!
What do knights do when they are scared of the dark?
They turn on the knight light!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What can smell without a noise?
A fart.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What did the duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
Inti St Clair/Getty
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
What time do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well.
Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it’s two-tired!
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
Ketchup.
Why fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
When do you go in red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
What do you think of that new restaurant on the moon?
The food is great, but there’s not much atmosphere.
What do you call a fish without eyes?
Fsh.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park your car, man.
What did the hungry Dalmation say when he had some kibble?
That hit the spot!
What did the dog say to the sandpaper?
Ruff!
What do you call a dog in the winter?
A chili dog!
Where should a dog never go shopping?
A flea market.
What is the dog’s favorite button on a remote?
Paws.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You can step in a poodle.
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound!
What is a dog’s favorite city?
New Yorkie!
What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purrrrr-ple.
Why are cats so good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
Why is a leopard so bad at hiding?
Because he’s always spotted.
What’s a cat’s favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
What state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Pets-sylvania.
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.
Why did the ghost starch his sheet?
He wanted everyone scared stiff.
What do you say when you catch a ghost?
Gotchu Boo!
Where do ghosts buy their food?
At the ghost-ery store!
What’s the ghost’s favorite thing about Thanksgiving dinner?
The grave-y.
If athletes get athletes foot then what do astronauts get?
Missle-toe.
Who in the solar system has the most loose change?
The moon .It keeps changing quarters.
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
What should you do when you see a green alien?
Wait until it’s ripe!
Why did Mickey Mouse go to space?
To find Pluto.
How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
When it’s full.
What did one shooting star say to the other?
Pleased to meteor.
What did the Martians wear to Mother’s Day dinner?
Space suits.
What did Venus say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!
What do planets like to read?
Comet books!
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A dino-snore.
What is fast, loud, and crunchy?
A rocket chip!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite!
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me.
Why did the student eat his homework?
The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
What is brown, hairy, and wears sunnies?
A coconut on vacation.
Two pickles fell on the floor What did one say to the other?
Dill with it.
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
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